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Recognizing When Someone Is Being Scammed

8 minute read

Something feels wrong. They're being secretive about money, or they have a new 'friend' they won't introduce. Here are the signs — and what to do.

You can’t quite put your finger on it, but something has changed.

Maybe your mother is being evasive about money for the first time in her life. Maybe your father has a new “investment” he’s excited about but won’t explain. Maybe your aunt keeps getting phone calls she takes in another room. Maybe your uncle is buying gift cards in bulk and getting defensive when you ask why.

You might be watching someone you love get scammed. And the hardest part is that they might not know it yet — or they might know something is wrong but feel too deep in to stop.

Here’s how to tell, and what to do.

The Warning Signs

No single sign means someone is being scammed. But if you’re seeing several of these, trust your instincts.

Changes Around Money

  • Unusual secrecy about finances. They’ve always been open about money, and suddenly they’re not.
  • Large or frequent withdrawals. Especially cash withdrawals or wire transfers.
  • Gift card purchases. No legitimate company, government agency, or bail bondsman accepts payment in gift cards. If someone is buying multiple gift cards, especially in large denominations, this is a major red flag.
  • Sudden financial stress. They were comfortable, and now they’re struggling — but nothing in their life has visibly changed.
  • Missing money from joint accounts or accounts you help manage.
  • New financial accounts opened without a clear reason.

Changes in Behavior

  • Being secretive about phone calls or messages. Leaving the room to talk. Hiding their screen.
  • A new “friend” or “partner” they talk about but you’ve never met. Especially one they met online.
  • Defensiveness when you ask questions. A strong, emotional reaction to mild curiosity is often a sign that someone is being manipulated.
  • Urgency around tasks. They need to go to the bank right now. They need to send something today. The pressure to act fast is almost always coming from the scammer.
  • Isolation from family. Scammers work hard to cut victims off from the people who might intervene. If someone is pulling away from family while getting closer to an unseen “friend,” pay attention.
  • Changes in routine. Spending more time on the phone or computer. Staying up late. Being distracted or anxious.

Specific Scam Patterns

Romance scam signs:

  • They’re “in love” with someone they’ve never met in person
  • The person always has a reason they can’t video chat or meet up
  • They’ve been asked for money — often for a medical emergency, a business opportunity, or travel costs to come visit
  • They get angry or emotional when you express concern about the relationship
  • The relationship moved very fast from first contact to declarations of love

Investment scam signs:

  • They’re excited about “guaranteed” high returns
  • They learned about the investment from someone online or through social media
  • They’ve been encouraged to keep it secret (“Don’t tell your family until you’ve made your money back”)
  • They’re reinvesting “profits” that they’ve never actually withdrawn
  • The platform or app looks legitimate but isn’t registered with financial regulators

Tech support scam signs:

  • They’re paying for ongoing “tech support” or “virus protection”
  • Someone called them claiming their computer was infected
  • They’ve given someone remote access to their computer
  • They’re on a “service plan” they can’t quite explain

Government impersonation signs:

  • They received a call from “the IRS,” “Social Security,” or “Medicare”
  • They were told they owe money or their benefits will be cut off
  • They were told not to tell anyone, including family
  • They were asked to pay with gift cards, wire transfers, or cryptocurrency

How to Approach Without Accusation

This is where most people make the mistake that ruins everything: they come in hot.

“You’re being scammed!” feels like an attack to someone who believes they’re in a genuine relationship or making a smart investment. They’ll defend the scammer and push you away. Every time.

Instead:

Lead with concern, not conclusions.

“Hey, I noticed you seem stressed lately. Is everything okay?” opens a door.

“You’re being scammed by that person online” slams it shut.

Ask questions. Listen to the answers.

  • “Tell me about this person you’ve been talking to. You seem really happy.”
  • “What made you interested in this investment? I’d love to understand it.”
  • “I’ve been seeing a lot about scams targeting people through [whatever method]. Have you come across anything like that?”

Validate their intelligence.

“I know you’re smart about this stuff. That’s actually what worries me — these scammers are specifically designed to fool smart people. They’re professionals.”

Share parallel stories.

“I read about a retired engineer who lost his savings to an investment scam. The platform looked completely real. He said he still can’t believe he fell for it.” Stories about similar people are more persuasive than direct confrontation.

What NOT to Do

  • Don’t attack the scammer directly. If your mother is in a romance scam, telling her “that person is a criminal” will make her defend them. She has genuine feelings, even if the relationship isn’t genuine.
  • Don’t issue ultimatums. “If you don’t stop talking to that person, I’m done.” This isolates them further — exactly what the scammer wants.
  • Don’t go behind their back to their bank (unless they lack the mental capacity to make decisions). Autonomy matters, even when someone is making a mistake. Going behind their back can destroy trust and make them hide things from you even more.
  • Don’t shame them. “How could you fall for this?” is the most destructive sentence you can say. It guarantees they’ll never come to you for help.
  • Don’t panic. Your fear is justified, but acting from fear usually makes things worse.

When It’s an Emergency

Sometimes you don’t have the luxury of a slow, patient approach. If you believe they’re about to send a large sum of money — today, right now — you need to act faster.

Signs of an imminent transfer:

  • They’re heading to the bank to wire money
  • They’re buying large quantities of gift cards
  • They’re on the phone with someone giving them instructions
  • They mention needing to “resolve something” urgently with money

What to do:

  1. Stay calm. Panic is contagious and unhelpful.
  2. Ask them to wait 24 hours. Just one day. “If this is real, it’ll still be real tomorrow. If they’re telling you it has to be today or everything falls apart — that’s exactly what a scammer would say.”
  3. Offer to go with them. “Let me come to the bank with you. I just want to understand.” Bank employees are trained to spot these situations and may be able to help.
  4. Call the bank. If they won’t wait, call their bank and express your concerns. Banks have fraud departments that deal with this regularly.
  5. Contact Adult Protective Services if the person is elderly or has diminished capacity and is at risk of significant financial harm.

Getting Help

You don’t have to handle this alone.

  • AARP Fraud Helpline: 877-908-3360 (free, available to anyone, not just AARP members). Trained volunteers who understand these situations.
  • Adult Protective Services: For elderly or vulnerable adults being financially exploited. Find your local office at eldercare.acl.gov or call 1-800-677-1116.
  • Local police: File a report. Even if they can’t recover the money, a paper trail matters.
  • FBI’s IC3: ic3.gov for reporting internet crimes.
  • FTC: ReportFraud.ftc.gov to report scams.

The Hardest Truth

Sometimes, despite everything you do, you can’t stop it.

They won’t listen. They won’t believe you. They’ll choose the scammer’s version of reality over yours. They’ll send the money. They’ll get hurt.

This is devastating. And it is not your fault.

You showed up. You tried. You cared enough to learn about this, to watch for the signs, to have the uncomfortable conversations. That matters, even when it doesn’t change the outcome.

If the worst happens, be there for the aftermath. Don’t withdraw. Don’t punish them with silence. Be the person who helps them put things back together. That’s what family is.

Read Supporting Someone After a Scam for guidance on what comes next.

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